I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
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Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
*serious situation*
My brain:
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.