my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
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You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
(Gaming support cat.)
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.