The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
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Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot