good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
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Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what