him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
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Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Sunday
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software