One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
You Might Also Like
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
The French cow says MEUX…
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Cndnsd Mlk
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code