The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
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My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
How it started How it’s going
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.