There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
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I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Well, that should do it
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”