Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
john wicks are toilet candles
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon