by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
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[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Social Media and Real life
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
early stone age tool
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring