Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
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Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
(more comics:
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
This kinda thing happens to me often
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.