Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Twitter remains undefeated
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.