Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
You Might Also Like
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today