WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.