[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
me hooking up with my ex
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
The days of good grammer has went
I’m too immature for adultery.