I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
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Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
✌🏽
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.