If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
He just like my cat fr
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!