can’t catch a break
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My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.