[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
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[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.