I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
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Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Left at a local drug store…
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?