[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
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it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I cannot call her anything else now
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest