You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread