My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
You Might Also Like
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.