Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead