Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.