Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
You Might Also Like
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really