I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
what day is it?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
oh my god
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”