You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool