Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
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My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
work smarter, not harder