My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
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Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.