I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
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ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
2023 was just a warmup