as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
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Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go