My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
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I just tested negative for patience.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
A little too much information.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
The dark side of Canada
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.