Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
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[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!