my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
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all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary