HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
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Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
ready to be harvested
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.