What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
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Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES