men what’s stopping you from looking like this
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SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue