[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
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I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3