Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
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Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Hit me in the face with a bird
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now