Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.