ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
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Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?