Sunday
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?