NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
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I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.