My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
this isn’t threatening at all
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.