I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
One of the best
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.