INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
These 3D printers are insane!
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?