My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]