A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
You are what you delete.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.