Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.